Friday, February 27, 2009

Grey's Anatomy: I Knew There Had to Be a Reason...

...Why a woman with any form of brain function would deny Seeley Booth.

In the ongoing story of Who You Are Is Who You Were On My Favorite Show, Jessica Capshaw may always be Parker's mom to me. Will she evolve into her Grey's role to the point where I watch old episodes of Bones and can't believe Arizona is sexing Booth?

One thing's for sure. Thirteen regular cast members is too many.

Lost: Sorry, But It Has to Be Said...

That was the gayest scene of Lost I've ever seen. And I don't mean gay in the politically incorrect way. I mean gay as in, before it happened, I wasn't sure if Ben was going to strangle Locke with an extension cord or smother him with kisses.

Mystic says Locke's tummy was way creepier. Let's VOTE:

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Why Are Beards Evil?

How come whenever a character throws a nutty, he is forced to grow a beard?


Roy Anderson, The Office (Arrested for DUI in aftermath of breakup with Pam.)

Jack Bristow, Alias (Imprisoned for doing something involving Irina Derevko. I think.)

Fox Mulder, The X-Files: I Want to Believe (Disillusioned with "the truth.")

And of course, Jack Shephard, Lost (Obsessed with "going back.")

Is it just because messy beards signify that these guys have been too preoccupied with being crazy to shave? Or do we associate (either literarily--yeah, that's not a word, but whatever--or in real life) beards with something sinister?

The Hills: I See Black Tears--Must Be Premiere Time!

Lauren and Heidi reunited?

Spencer cheating?

Lauren and Lo moving out of their little villa?

Caroline still frustrated that the writers can't finally make Brody and Lauren get together?

Yep, sounds like The Hills!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Grey's Anatomy: Loaded Guns, Lots of Frustration--I Sense Danger!

The playwright Anton Chekhov said, "One must not put a loaded rifle on the stage if no one is thinking of firing it."

There are a lot of guns going on on Grey's Anatomy, and none of them are going off.

For starters, these story arcs have just been going on for way too long.

For another, it's February sweeps--time to tie up loose ends and start anew. Dr. Jack Shephard just figured out how to go back to the island. And what did you do this February, Dr. Derek Shepherd?

Lastly, and I say this with all due respect, Ms. Rhimes, but you just wrote five hours of story (three from Grey's and two from Private Practice) in which nothing happened for our main characters.

Oh, yeah, there was a lot of character development for, y'know, Archer Montgomery and Ben Shenkman, but everybody else is pretty much right where they started.

So that five hours was clearly a colossal waste of time for me.

Here are the so-called "loaded rifles" I can think of off the top of my head:

Derek proposing to Meredith.

Loaded because: Derek's mom gave him the ring.

Threatened to fire when: Jennifer Westfeldt's character noticed the ring in his pocket; his proposing becomes a point of connection for doctor and patient. Everyone knows about the ring except Meredith. Meredith says "a thing about babies"; Derek is charmed enough to believe she won't say no.

Ultimately remains loaded because: Derek is a pansy and Meredith is the world's worst girlfriend. Tequila? What is this, Meredith, season two? I thought we were past this. While I do acknowledge that you have progressed beyond Jose Cuervo, I seriously thought you were to the point where you could comfort your boyfriend without shot glasses. I mean, we know alcoholism is what you do best, but come on.

Shot in the dark: What would've been better is if Meredith proposed to Derek. Instead of that end scene, I would have written a fitting conclusion to the arc where Meredith, affected by the death of their patient, realizes the importance of True Love and Marriage and Babies. She wants to end up like Rob and Jen, only not dead. So instead of a "let's get drunk and feel sorry for ourselves" end scene, the story comes full circle--as one couple's life together ends tragically, another begins with a touch of angsty hope.

Izzie's Gonna Die.

Loaded because: In episode eight (Eight! "The Ties That Bind"! That's Eight episodes ago!), Denny told Izzie, "I'm here for you."

Threatened to fire when: Denny showed up. Denny left. Denny came back. Izzie told Denny to leave. Denny finally left, but only after Izzie realized she was sick. Slow clap for Izzie. (By the way, that was four episodes ago, if you're keeping track.) Izzie enlisted interns (unbeknownst to them) to solve her medical mystery. Her medical mystery was solved.

Ultimately remains loaded because: This, what I am officially deeming the World's Worst Storyline, is still going on. Riddle me this. If you were told by a very convincing ghost that you had some kind of brain abnormality, would you not be calling up, oh, I don't know, the best neurosurgeon in the country to check you out, rather than feeling for lumps in the ladies room? If Izzie dies, then she deserves it for being so effing stupid about seeking medical attention.

Shot in the dark: I would have been just fine if the Crossover of Wonderment ended with Izzie having figured out her problem, seeking medical help from Derek or, since he was kind of busy with his own non-story, the Chief, and starting the rest of the season on a scary but cool treatment plan.

Bailey wants to be a pediatrician now.

Loaded because: Five episodes ago, Bailey got attached to a sick kid.

Threatened to fire when: That kid almost died. But then lived. Bailey applies for a fellowship. Bailey spends way too much time complaining about applying for the fellowship. The Chief is unsupportive.

Ultimately remains loaded because: We still don't know if Bailey got her stupid fellowship. I really couldn't care less about Bailey and her problems--remember back in season one, before she had a kid, when she didn't have her own storylines? God, those were the days. Anyway, now Bailey has ridiculously long story arcs that are stupid.

Shot in the dark: Bailey gets the fellowship. It's that easy. I've been saying for a long time that they need a pediatric surgeon, because then you get to have more cases with kids. (Same way Addison facilitates all those baby cases.) Dr. Doug Ross is apparently working at a different Seattle hospital, so just sign Bailey up, forget about how the Chief feels, and move on. Good times.

Ultimately, the problem with Grey's is poor planning. This season has been an absolute exercise in laziness. Sixteen episodes so far. Three have just been devoted to the Crossover of Wonderment; the three before that, to Serial Killer and Liver Boy. Four patients in six episodes! Supreme laziness!

You came up with two good ideas, and they were both basically stolen from old-school ER. Remember "Carter's Choice"? Remember "Love's Labors Lost"? Both classic episodes that got fully and totally ripped off by Grey's.


Rather than letting good ideas linger long beyond their welcome (cough Denny Duquette cough cough), why not write ideas to run their course--and then come up with new ideas? Do you really not have any?

These stories are all just moving way too slowly, and it's whoa frustrating.

Please, people, make those guns go off, and stat. Otherwise, I'll take it off the wall and shoot you with it myself.

Is It Odd That When...

...I see Ginnifer Goodwin and Justin Long together, like this--

Or even like this (in a promotional shot from He's Just Not That Into You)--

I am still unable to see them as anything other than this--

That's Ginnifer and Justin as Diane Snyder and Warren Cheswick on Ed, a show which I am all too familiar with. There's a theory to be made here that I could rank the shows I've watched in terms of who gets stuck as which character.

Ed > Big Love, for instance.

BUT Lost > Ed, because this woman--

--is Sarah Shephard.

And that's probably why this scene, from an old Party of Five episode, is disturbing on so many levels:

Call yourself an actor, but you will always be Jack Shephard to me. And you, ma'am, are probably stuck with being known as Dr. Saroyan to me for the rest of your professional career. Get over it--and thank you for not being pregnant.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Bones: New Promo Contains Best Brennan Face Ever

Booth: "Driving a machine like this is like making love. You have to go gently."

And then Brennan makes this face:

It says, "Oh, Booth. Please." She cocks her head to the side a little, and then the next thing you hear is the sound of screeching tires and Booth yelling, "Let me drive!"

I love it.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Bones: A Gift From Me to Peyton Perrotta

Who just shows up at a man's house unannounced with homemade chili? A man who isn't her friend, who definitely isn't her boyfriend, and who she seems to realize is head over heels in love with another woman.

I'm so confused.

Lost: Granddad Shephard is Now My Third-Favorite Shephard (But Someone Else May Soon Steal the Title)

First of all, screw me and my stupidity for not posting here my speculation about how Christian Shephard : 815 :: John Locke : Going Back to the Island. I’m an idiot. Mae will back me up, but that’s neither here nor there because it’s not here in print and that makes me stupid.

I loved that episode. Like, it’s gross how much I loved that episode. “316” might go down as being my favorite episode of all time, and not just because Jack and Kate totally did it.

People talk a lot about the “mythology” of Lost. Usually, they’re referring to things related specifically to the island’s history: frozen donkey wheel, Hostiles, anything involving Benjamin Linus or John Locke. But this is the mythology I love: the concept of fate, and how it relates to all of the castaways, but specifically Jack Shephard. His role as reluctant leader and unwilling participant in the island’s mythology is what fascinates me more than any other concept on the show. And I tell you, once that mythology becomes explicitly linked to the rest of the mythology—this crap’s going to get insane.

Jack’s story this season—as expected—has been about redemption. Last night, it seems he came (however reluctantly) to terms with his fate, spurred by Ms. Hawking’s amazingly quotable quote, “Oh, stop thinking how ridiculous it is and start asking yourself whether or not you think it’s going to work.”

It’s official: Jack’s relationship with the island is deep and real.

What was really great about that episode was that, in typical Lost fashion, it definitively ended an era (the Off Island Era) while assuring us that (A) there’s still SO MUCH MORE TO DO and (B) we’re going to need plenty of flashbacks to fill in loads of blanks.

Let’s talk about those blanks.

Sayid appeared to be in some kind of custody. Who’s the custodian? Why would they be sending him to Guam? That seems like an awfully big coincidence, no? Perhaps Sayid brokered some kind of deal—take me to Guam, THEN I’ll tell you everything I know.

Where’s Ji Yeon? Obviously everyone’s talking about Kate splitting up with Aaron, but I want to know what happened to Ji Yeon. Indefinitely with the babysitter? Part of a Widmore deal to help him find the island from the inside (maybe Sun told him where the Lamppost is?) and then he’ll come and bring the kid?

What happened to Ben’s face? Who’d he get in a fight with? Why? Final run-in with Charles Widmore?

And, yeah, seriously, what happened to Aaron? Where is he? Why did Kate suddenly decide it’s a good idea to give up her son and go with Jack? Because that was a big leap from “you guys are crazy” to “I’m going with you.” I’m not REALLY complaining, because I think Kate’s destiny is on the island, too—and Claire did tell Kate not to bring him back.

And let’s talk about proxies for a second, because I love theorizing on this, especially when you think about the consequences of this.

Jack is Jack, because he is.

Sayid, the prisoner, is Kate; his escort is the marshal.

Locke, the dead guy, is Christian Shephard.

Ben is Locke.

And Kate? Kate is Claire.

While I fully expect to get a post-coital flashback that elucidates a little on Jack and Kate’s frame of mind during that breakfast scene, at the airport (oh, God, his face!), and on the plane, at this point, that (implied) sex scene feels very random. Why was it necessary to show that Jack and Kate made love the night before going back to the island?

You know why I think?

‘Cause they made a baby.

Story-wise, it makes sense.

Going back to the island means giving up the opportunity to get pregnant and safely deliver a baby. I’d long been thinking that Jack and Kate’s Daughter of Destiny would break the pregnancy curse, but the getting pregnant off-island thing is way more convenient. Also, it’s kind of poetic—she’d have been conceived on the last possible night.

Speaking of poetic, how much dramatic irony is there in the concept of losing a child and gaining another on the same day? Maybe fate dictates not only that they have to go back to the island, but that they could have a baby when (and only when) she stopped pretending she was Aaron’s mother.

Jack offered Kate coffee, and although she held the mug in her hands, she never took a sip. Is it possible that this was a hint from the writers? 'Cause caffeine's not good for babies and all that.

It’s exciting to think about, even if it ultimately turns out not to be true.

You know what else is exciting to think about? Jack bringing Kate to meet his granddad. That’s a pretty little picture in my brain. Juliet delivering Lucy Shephard while Jack holds Kate’s hand. That’s season finale material right there, folks.

So what’s next?

Well, we gotta figure out what happened to Sayid, Sun, Ben, Lapidus, and the rest of Ajira 316. Are they on the island in a different time period? On the island, in the same time period, and just tossed to the other side of the island? Or are there some really freaked out people on that plane now, wondering when they jumped into the plot of “Left Behind,” the book series/Kirk Cameron movie?

From the looks of behind the scenes shots, it sure looks like they’re joining up with the old DI. Will Jack and Kate share a house at the barracks? When are they going to join up with the 815ers? Shall I start working on some pink baby booties? Will we see people like Desmond and Walt again? Will Locke remain a main character?

As usual, we got some really nice answers (the significance of the white tennis shoe!) and some really big questions. At least I know I’m watching the right show.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Prodigal Son Returneth: Oh, How I've Missed You, Varty.

I should have been in bed hours ago (still too busy fangirling over the fact that Allison Cameron said "wedding" and held a baby tonight), but before I finally retire to quality time with my pillows, I really must share this fabulous news.

My Google Alert on Michael Vartan just informed me thus:

LOS ANGELES (Hollywood Reporter) - Former "Alias" regular Michael Vartan will co-star opposite Jada Pinkett Smith in TNT's upcoming series "Time Heals."

Set to premiere later this year, the show centers on Christina Hawthorne (Pinkett Smith), a strong and caring director of nursing at a North Carolina hospital.

Vartan will play Tom Wakefield, the hospital's director of medicine. He replaces Jeffrey Nordling, who played the role in the pilot.

Vartan recently starred on ABC's comedy-drama series "Big Shots."

Source: HERE


Um. Vartan returning to my TV again? On a regularly scheduled, weekly basis? With Jada Pinkett Smith?

Oh, happy day.

Seriously, I need some confetti and celebratory booze.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Lost: How Many Times Can One Kid Get Abandoned? (By My Count? At Least Five.)

Holy sneak peek, Batman!

Late last night, ABC released two sneak peeks for this week’s Lost, one of which was the much-anticipated (at least by me) Jate kiss scene.

Now, I have a tendency to delude myself with mini-spoilers into thinking that kisses (when seen out of context) constitute the happily ever after, the final nail in the coffin of the ridiculous quadrangle. I do this every time. But everything is multifaceted in Lost world, and this kiss—now contextualized—is no different.

Here’s the scene:

It’s only a little longer than a minute, but there’s just so much to talk about.

Let’s talk first about what’s good.

First off, where are they? It looks like a hotel room, but could it also be Jack’s apartment? They’ve been sent home to pack their things, and that’s where Kate ends up? Because of whatever crazy shit just went down at 42 Panorama Crest? It’s possible. Although Jack sure doesn’t have many knickknacks if that’s the case.

It is awfully convenient that they’re in a bedroom. I would expect that this is not a coincidence, and that Jack and Kate will actually, yes, do the deed. Whether this scene continues into a smoldering sex scene or we just rejoin them the next morning obviously remains to be seen, but it sure looks like they’re going in for the sexytime.

I think my favorite Jate development of the last few episodes has been the rebuilding (or, some would say, the building) of trust between them. I think “The Little Prince” showed that, in many respects, they’re really all each other has in the world, and they have to rely on each other. Some of their dialogue seems directly related to their fight in “Something Nice Back Home,” such as Jack acknowledging that “Aaron is my family, too,” and Kate allowing Jack to “fix this.” In this scene, Jack agrees never to ask about Aaron. Wouldn’t you usually expect him to pester and poke at her until she got angry and spit it out? That’s how they’ve acted about secrets in the past. But here, he’s willing to trust that she made a terrible decision that can’t be undone—and nothing else really matters.

What’s bad about this scene? What are the Skaters probably falling over themselves about?

(Oh. Before we get to that, one more good thing—that kiss was HOT.)

What’s bad is that there are still secrets to begin with. Whereas someone might have specced yesterday that an “I’m going with you” and an open-mouthed kiss constituted YAYPROBLEMSOLVEDBACKTOGETHER, they probably should have realized that there would be more layers to Jate’s coupling.

There are.

I’m sure the Skaters are saying she just wants comfort sex.

That may be true, to an extent. It might be comfort sex—but I think it’s clear that she wants it with Jack. It’s not just that he’s there, it’s that he’s the man she needs. And maybe he finally understands that he can’t fix everything—wouldn’t you normally expect Jack to jump up and figure out how to get Aaron back?—but he can comfort her. So, yeah, there’s an element of “please just make me forget” to their lovemaking here, but there’s also a lot more. I picked up on “tell me it’s gonna be okay,” “thank you for understanding me,” and “I’ve always been with you.”

I’m sure Skaters are giddy over the fact that there’s still a huge secret at the crux of their relationship—maybe an even bigger secret than the Sawyer’s Favor secret.

This is definitely true. And it makes me worried, because Jack and Kate don’t just let things go—especially not big things like “What did you do with the baby?” It’s a-festering. I guarantee they’re not just going to go back to the island and do the happy 70’s island couple thing, not when she just did...something with Aaron.

While we’re at it, what would that be, exactly? I’ve been worried for weeks that she was going to Baby William little Aaron, and that’s exactly what she did. Probably not random adoption, but still—he’s gone. And to where, exactly? No idea. With his grandmother? With Cassidy? The good news is that, unlike Scully’s anonymous adoption, Kate’s arrangement might not be permanent. Aaron could find his way back to the island later this season, perhaps. Or he could never be seen again.

So, yeah, Jack and Kate have secrets. Yeah, they’re angsty, and even though they’re (arguably at this point) back in the sack together, they’re still not on 100% Good Terms. Skaters are, I’m sure, believing that the stage is set for Sawyer to swoop in and comfort her when she tells him she left Aaron with Cassidy—how’s that for a mindfuck? And then ZOMG Kate wouldn’t tell Jack the secret but she told Sawyer and ZOMG they are the OTP of the show.

Except no. While I wholly anticipate that something like that will go down, I really don’t think it’ll be anything more than a friendly (with a twinge of “we used to hook up”) arm-around-the-shoulders moment. Maybe some tears. Maybe one kiss.

But Jack is her constant.

And you wanna know why I think this even more than ever?

“You also don't want babies to be "replacements." On The O.C., Julie’s baby was meant to be a boy, because a little girl would have been a replacement Marissa, a move that would have seemed trite and slightly disturbing.”

Tell me there isn’t an aspect of that scene that screams TIME TO MAKE A NEW BABY. As if Jack’s need to be a father wasn’t already a huge factor, thanks to his literary need to redeem his own childhood, Kate just took a huge step into the babymaking box, storywise. Being a mother became a huge part of Kate’s story in season four, but she always had Aaron right there to temper the need for her to actually get pregnant, give birth, raise baby. Now that Aaron’s gone, that mothering story isn’t over, by any means. If anything, it’s ramped up.

While I would be 100% absolutely shocked for this night of Jate sex to result in a replacement baby, that would be awfully convenient, though, wouldn’t it? Then they wouldn’t even have to worry about Pregnant Woman Death Syndrome. I’m not going there. It’s not going to happen now.

But it is going to happen eventually. And I’ll be ready.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Bones: Shot...score.

A couple days ago I was able to get in some ice skating time. After the guy next to me, holding his five year old son, looked at the Zamboni resurfacing the ice and said "Isn't the Zamboni the best part?", I had that familiar fuzzy feeling and then remembered I hadn't expressed my fangirly joy about Fire In The Ice.

So....allow me to EXPRESS MY FANGIRLY JOY!!!

For almost 4 months I sat and waited and HOPED it wouldn't suck. Since I couldn't tear myself away from rewatching the skating scene 30 times, it wasn't until the next morning when I realized, "Whoa -- that was actually as good as I had hoped." We got sexy hockey player Booth, couples skating AND daddy issues all in one. Score.

What's better to start off with than Brennan being all girlfriendy with her OMGHEY wave to Booth and his howcuteareyourightnow/yeahbaby smile right back at her.

Insert WOOT here.

Then we head to the locker room and --

Insert WOOT #2

I wasn't exactly sure what they were trying to accomplish with the flirting between Booth and Perotta. Maybe just to remind us he is still a man? I don't know. Oh, David? Don't think I didn't notice the Phillies logo on the cast. Well played. Anyway, we learned that Booth doesn't like the daddy talk while Brennan seemed to get a little nervous about sharing Booth with an outsider. For someone who says she "embraces change", she sure wanted Perotta to keep her bags by the door. I was waiting for her to pee in a circle around Booth and stake her claim. My agent! MINE!

Oh, side note. This episode was filmed at the Ice Station Valencia which, coincidentally, was the exact location where Mae and I first experienced Michael Vartan in 3D. We won at life that day.

Let's skip all of the Booth and Perotta in the field stuff and get to the hallucination. Now, let me get this straight. A visit from Luc Robitaille was what Booth really needed to convince him that he was made of better stuff than his physically abusive, alcoholic father? The fact that he isn't an alcoholic and doesn't knock Parker around isn't enough? Or even the number of times Brennan has told him he's a great father and a great man. None of that got through? Hmmm. Alright then. Glad you got some reassurance, Booth. All that aside, I'm glad it resulted in Brennan having to take care of Booth a little bit. "I get nervous when you fall down and don't get up." Awww and with just the right mixture of worry and sarcasm. Plus we got a trip to Booth's apartment. Seemed a little dark in there though. Setting the mood a little, Booth? Alllriiight.

Now to the ending -- The B's On Ice.

This was the first time since Wannabe In The Weeds where we saw Booth and Brennan doing something fun outside of work. Can you believe that? After telling him he's the only agent she wants to work with and then latching herself onto his arm (again, my agent! mine!) and telling him he's made of "very, very good stuff", Booth sensed what was going on and gave her the reassurance she was looking for. Caroline has already talked about the different interpretations of "Forget about Agent Perotta. Alright? Nothing is going to change between me and you." I agreed with her that I don't think Hart and Co. write this show with the intention of having each word dissected and analyzed. However, something like, "Forget her. It's all about me and you." would have been much less ambiguous. Personally, I like option C: "Bones. Forget about her. She has nothing on you." Did anyone else notice he tried to cover up a smile when she wrapped her arms around his?

But honestly? Perfection. What radiates from them and between them -- you can't write that. You can't direct that. It's natural -- which is exactly how this scene turned out. I wouldn't be surprised if they gave them the pages for this scene and said, "Here's some ideas. Do your thing. We'll just roll camera." I'm sure the script didn't say, "Booth places his hands on Brennan's hips and begins to guide her forward while sporting a huge smile." I'm also semi-convinced she wasn't supposed to fall in the beginning either. Looks like someone caught a toe pick.

No matter how many times I watch it, it never stops being effing adorable. The closeness, grabbing for hands, smiling, laughing, Brennan clutching his finger, latching onto his arm, his hands on her hips, EVERYTHING about this scene.

That is ftw. Capturing one of those great moments where he gazes at her in amazement and adoration and you see just how happy he is to see/make her happy. Swoon.

"You're gonna make me fall."
"I'm never gonna make you fall. I'm always here. You kiddin' me?"

Works for me.

Lost: It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

A couple days ago, an anonymous commenter wanted to know if I had seen the now-infamous Entertainment Weekly shots.

Yes, I’d seen them. I had definitely seen them.

I’d seen the cover, with Evangeline’s oh-so-freckly face and Matthew’s just-barely-stubbly cheeks. I’d seen the inside cover, with my OTOTP dancing and laughing in the jungle.


I’d seen the article shots, where Evangeline was perched sexily on Matthew’s shoulder, barefoot, his hand wrapped around her ankle, fingers delicately brushing against her foot.


I’d seen those pictures of them running, hands clasped, her dress flying in the wind.


And this, where his face clearly says MINE.


And I’d seen all of the outtakes, including that Basically Not Appropriate For Print Media shot, again of her on his shoulder, but where Matt’s got this face that says "Go away, man. We are busy."


And I’d seen the videos on, where they’re giggly and adorable and she’s on her back in the dirt and he’s got her in piggyback formation, all smiles.

Yeah, I’d seen them.

The problem?

I didn’t have the magazine.

I don’t know how many of you are having this problem, but according to the gentleman who works at my local newsstand, there’s some shady shit going down between Time, Inc., who publishes EW, and their east coast distributor. All I can say is screw you, assholes, because why did you have to mess up distribution this week of all weeks?

I looked everywhere. Several CVS stores, a RiteAid, a Walgreen’s, a Safeway grocery store, my campus bookstore, Borders, Target, and the newsstand.

Finally, Mr. Newsstand told me that he didn’t expect to get it at all. We had a hilarious conversation in which we both griped about not being able to get our hands on this handsy-handsy copy of Entertainment Weekly.

Caroline: “But I really want it!”
Mr. Newsstand: “Tell me about it. Have you SEEN that cover?”

So I called my trusty gal Leigh and asked her to mail me some copies. And, of course, as soon as I did that, Time figured out its problems and shipped the magazines. Because today, when I went to go purchase a twenty-pound bag of Purina Puppy Chow for Freckles AND NOTHING ELSE, there they were, her arms around his shoulders, the both of them looking SO DAMN FINE, and I let out a shocked “OH MY GOD.”

And as if I wasn’t already making a spectacle of myself lugging the biggest bag of dog food you can purchase at Harris Teeter (and it’s a big ol’ bag), then my freakout squee right there in the middle of the grocery store sure did the trick.

I bought one, even though I knew to expect Leigh’s special delivery. I justified it because I knew that now, I’d have her two copies for jart and my one copy to keep forever in mint condition.

What do I love most about this photoshoot?

How much it has invigorated the Jaters. How flipping hot those two are—you really want to argue now about whether or not those two have chemistry?

Yeah, those pictures are pretty much all we’ve been talking about for the last week.

Oh, wait. No, that’s not right.

We’ve also been talking about this:


I mean, I’m surprised Evangeline can open her mouth that wide. I’m not surprised it didn’t get cut, although apparently this Skater is:

“As to why that scene was the one cut? I can't say for sure, I don't have the privilege of being in the editing room when Damon & Carlton order the cuts. All I know is that the scene was in the screened version. The reviews and feedback were negative. And when the episode aired nationally, that scene was gone.

"Just doing the math.

"If you believe that the scene will appear in a later episode - - well, perhaps you are right, though I can't imagine how they'll fit it into the story. I expect that Kate is going to be very angry with both Jack and Ben after this betrayal. Can you think of a good scenario for the kiss to happen? Because personally, I can't. And we know this particular kiss doesn't take place on the Island, which is where they will soon be. Perhaps they'll fit it in as a flashback, at some future point, but what purpose would that serve? At this point in the story, going forward, we know Kate is going to be angry with Jack, and resist going back to the Island. Not much time for kissing, IMO.”

This poster, who Carrie the Darling linked me to, said she’d heard what happened thanks to some screeners, who revealed the plot for last night’s episode as “[Jack] then betrayed her and turned her (and Aaron) over to Ben.”

Remember that time? Remember when Jack turned Kate and Aaron over to Ben, because he’s so maniacal about getting back to the island that he doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself and his own selfish desires? He’d rather see Kate get hurt than abandon his plans?

Oh, wait. No. That didn’t happen.

That was this guy:

Jack, meanwhile, said, and I quote, “After what he just did to Kate, if you don’t kill him, I will.”

The kiss definitely didn’t get cut. It’s in next week’s episode, coupled with a teary, breathy “I’m going with you.”

What does this mean for Jate? What does this mean for Aaron? That’s a subject for another blog. This one is just about how happy I am right now to be a Jater. It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Bones: 22 Adorable Situations for 22 Episodes

You think Booth and Brennan having a baby together spells certain doom for Bones? Well, I disagree. Here are 22 ideas for adorable scenarios—one for each episode of season five. (Not in chronological order.)

1. Booth and Brennan tell Parker that he’s going to be a big brother. Parker’s not sure how he feels about that—but it turns out that he’s thought Dr. Bones was Dad’s girlfriend the whole time.

2. Either Booth or Brennan has a date and awkwardness ensues. They’re definitely not together, but they are raising this baby together, and that’s creating some confusion.

3. Brennan is in danger—more danger than usual. Booth not only gets to use his protection instincts on Bones; we get to see Alpha Daddy in action. Yeah, you know how awesome it was when Booth ripped through the playground trying to find Parker in “The Man in the Cell”? Imagine how strongly he’d feel about protecting the baby inside of Brennan.

4. It’s time to find out the sex of the baby. Booth wants to know; Brennan doesn’t. (Or vice versa. I can’t figure out which would be which.) By the end of the episode, they know they’re having a girl. P.S. don’t lie, you know it’s a girl.

5. Brennan has her first doctor’s appointment. She and Booth are still on pretty awkward terms—and lying to themselves about how much they enjoyed that sexing—but hearing their baby’s heartbeat changes everything. (You want to know how two people become one? Because there’s your miracle.)

6. Brennan has baby brain and keeps forgetting important things in the lab. The team is very forgiving, but Brennan is of course very hard on herself. The last scene is Booth assuring her that, baby brain and all, she’s the smartest person EVER. And all of her smarts right now are going to making their baby smart, so it’s okay to forget things sometimes. Brennan refutes his logic, but is nonetheless comforted.

7. Booth and Brennan talk about baby names. Nothing is suitable. I really like the name Grace: it’s both nice and traditional for Dad, and it’s a virtue name in honor of Mom. (ZOMG Booth and Brennan as Mommy and Daddy. Holy crap.) And can’t you just see Booth reaching into a little bassinet cooing, “Gracie girl!” One name we’ve ruled out? Anything involving Brennan’s mom’s original name. Not only does that have negative connotations, but we just can’t imagine them naming their baby Ruth Booth.

8. Brennan’s got pregnancy cravings. Perhaps, like Phoebe had on Friends, she’s craving meat in a very real way. Booth, like Joey, volunteers to give up meat and maintain the cosmic balance of dead animals. This would also be a good opportunity to demonstrate some of Bren’s other pregnancy cravings—could a late-night pickles and ice cream run bring Booth into Brennan’s bed?

9. The FBI revokes Brennan’s field credentials for the duration of her pregnancy. She’s stuck in the lab while Booth’s in the field. They have to solve the murder together, but they have to do the whole thing on the phone. Imagine Booth trying to describe bones over the phone.

10. Max comes back for an episode to do grandfatherly things. And to threaten Booth.

11. Booth and Brennan have to build the baby’s crib.

12. Booth and Brennan babyproof the apartments, the car, and the lab.

13. Booth and Brennan go to Lamaze class. One of them takes it very seriously; the other one doesn’t.

14. Booth and Brennan have to decide how they’re going to handle childcare arrangements. It’s not like either one of them is going to quit their job, so at the end of the day, they decide to hire a babysitter, cut back a little on their caseload, and bring their daughter to work whenever possible.

15. You know Booth is the kind of father who’d talk and sing to the baby in utero. Brennan is flabbergasted, because babies can’t understand language yet, and if they could, why would you talk in such a ridiculous fashion?
Booth: “Bones, once she’s born, I’m not going to be around all the time. They say babies can recognize their fathers’ voices once they’re born—I want her to know me.”
Brennan: “Booth, you are going to be around all the time.”
Booth: “But she’s going to live with you and you’ll move on and start a family with someone else—“
Brennan: “I’m not Rebecca. I want you around all the time.”

16. Sweets figures it out. He figures out Brennan is pregnant first, and then weasels it out of them that Booth is the father. He is—obviously—shocked. Hilarity ensues:
Sweets: “Did you two have sex?”
Booth: “That is none of your business.”
Brennan: “Yes.”

17. Angela throws Brennan a baby shower. Brennan is concerned about everyone forcing her daughter into gender stereotypes by purchasing so many pink items.

18. Booth and Brennan have to decide how they’re going to raise their baby religion-wise. Brennan agrees to raise her Catholic, as long as she gets all the facts. Next season: Christening.

19. The baby kicks for the first time. Brennan feels it first, Booth can’t feel it throughout the episode, until the very end, when she kicks hard and Booth can feel it. Her parents grin ridiculously at each other; it’s a sweet moment.

20. Booth and Brennan have to decide where the baby’s going to live. The end up deciding to move in together and raise the baby in the same house.

21. Brennan is exhausted all the time, falling asleep in her office, etc. Booth takes her home one night, tucks her into bed, and goes to his own home—but not before wistfully glancing upon the mother of his unborn child and thinking about how this situation is simultaneously the most awesome and the most crappy situation he’s ever been in.

22. The baby is born.

Bones: Hey Now, Tiny Ramification

Hart Hanson rocked my world today when he said that Booth and Brennan’s finale sexing would not be a cheat: "No dream sequence here. No undercover assignment. Not even alcohol. They’re actually in bed having sex, and they won’t be able to just walk away from what happened. It will have serious ramifications.”

Um, what?

For the last several months, we’ve been resigned to the fact that Booth and Brennan’s hook-up would come with strings.

‘Cause first we heard they’d be in bed together naked, and we were like, “Hey, hypothermia.”

Then Hart said there’d be action, and we were like, “Hey, fantasy episode!”

No, seriously. Leigh and I had a GChat exchange just yesterday in which we lamented the fact that we knew we’d love the episode, but we were still a little disappointed that it would just be a cheat.

Now, I can’t believe it, but it actually sounds like Real Booth and Real Brennan will be having some of teh sex.

We also know, courtesy of Hart, that “there are events that precede it and events that follow.”

Amongst the girls here, we’ve been talking for the last few weeks about how much we would like Booth and Brennan to regain a little of that bickering we love so much from the earlier seasons. Hell, go beyond bickering to actual fighting. I hesitate to ask anything of Bones, because it is so generous with its giving, but I watched the pilot the other day, and day-um. That scene in the firing range is hotter than anything they’ve done all season.

It’s like they’ve really entered into this surrogate relationship and they’ve lost some of the sexual tension. It’s not tense anymore. It’s just like big piles of sweetness without any sex. Again, I am NOT complaining, but I would LOVE to see them get back to disagreeing.

So let me fill you in on where I’m going with this.

We also know that Brennan’s going to ask Booth to father her child. So far, it feels like it’s going to happen in “The Salt in the Wounds,” but I’m going to go out on a limb here (a big limb!) and say that I think the baby will indeed be related to teh sex. When we first heard the baby spoiler, I said very clearly that I didn’t think an actual baby would result.

Now, I’m the only one of me, Mae, and Leigh who thinks that’s exactly where they’re going.

Imagine this—

They argue in “The Salt in the Wounds” about the baby thing. In the closing scene, Booth lays it out there—no, Bones, the next kid I have is going to be with the person I’m going to spend my life with and raise a family with.

Maybe throughout the next few months and into May sweeps, she mentions it a couple more times. She’s looking into other options—sperm banks, etc. Booth is maybe not too happy about that, either, but whatever.

So the issue gets addressed again in the season finale. Brennan is still pushing Booth and he’s still pushing back. It’s causing lots of tension and problems. He’s frustrating her for being such a girl about the whole thing: all she’s asking is to have sex one time so he can get her pregnant, and it’s so convenient ‘cause she’s ovulating right now. Yeah, they could IVF this thing, but that costs money, and anthropologically speaking, they should be able to get pregnant the old-fashioned way, and that’s really better anyway. She’s frustrating him because he’d very much like to have sex with her, but not just to get her pregnant and especially not when she’s using words like cervical fluid or whatever. (Pregnancy has lots of weird words, and you know Brennan’s going to use them all.) He just wants her to see the whole thing from his perspective for a change and stop being so clinical about Booth and Brennan Having Sex for the First Time. It is a BIG DEAL.

And so they’re yelling and frustrated and finally Booth says, “Screw it.” And he grabs her and kisses her and, as Mae demands, pushes her up against a wall.

Now, they are allowed to write it off as a procreational project and not acknowledge that it is The Best Sex Ever. (Come on.) And then the season ends with Booth and Brennan peering over the business end of a positive pregnancy test. And Booth gets to look at her and say “I told you it was a BIG DEAL.”

And then they have a baby.

See, and everybody else is saying, “No way. No way Booth and Brennan have a baby in season five. Then the show’s over.”

Except NO. They can have a baby, because it’s Bones and Bones is ridiculous. And I came up with a list of a whole season’s worth of pregnancy stories, which I will post momentarily. They can keep denying their attraction to each other (“We’re having this baby together, but that’s it.”), but they get to do WAY more stuff together. And there’s so much more opportunity for both fluff (oh, God, Booth and pregnant Brennan) and angst (oh, God, Booth and pregnant Brennan).

Nothing really changes next year—they just get a wealth of new stories. The story doesn’t really change until season six, when the baby arrives and suddenly Booth and Brennan have a little person they have to take care of. Mae thinks this would be problematic to crime-solving, but I say get a babysitter! Episodes can end with Booth and Brennan doing their usual non-work activities, they just get to do it with baby in tow.

And anyway, that’s a problem for Future Hart Hanson.