Monday, December 15, 2008

The Hills: Lauren and the Gang Utilize the Frozen Donkey Wheel

Um, what?

Okay, so, on August 27th, reports surfaced that Whitney Port had relocated to New York and started working at Diane von Furstenberg. This news came almost three months after it was announced that Whitney was getting her own spin-off of The Hills. Getting a fancy new job seemed like an important part of the plan.

Then, in late November, US Magazine got the exclusive story that Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt had gotten married in Mexico.

So my roommate and I were a little confused, to say the least, when these two events were highlighted in the same episode of The Hills.

We can excuse some fudgery for the sake of season finale time, but that doesn't excuse the fact that, like, Stephanie Pratt showed up at Audrina's the same day of Whit's going-away party to talk about how Spencer and Heidi had just disappeared without telling anyone.

I mean, yeah, we all know the show's fake, but the timeline just doesn't make any sense.

The way I see it, one of these things happened:

1. Heidi and Spencer are way sneakier than anyone ever thought, and actually got married around the same time as Whitney moved to New York.

2. The wedding was TOTALLY planned, because (as has been reported), The Hills was on filming hiatus, so Spencer and Heidi called the cameras anyway. Producers had to shove that footage in with something else, so they filmed some random scenes with Justin-Bobby and Lo and everybody saying "Hey, I wonder what's going on with Spencer and Heidi."

3. Lauren used the frozen donkey wheel to transport herself from Whitney's party in August to late November.

Well, numbers one and three seem equally implausible, so I'm going to go with door number two.

Which means, in all likelihood, that the most brilliant line of the evening--Justin-Bobby's "Maybe you should put up fliers"--was probably practiced. The whole episode felt practiced, didn't it? Lots of that awkward exposition that accompanies those things on The Hills that you just freaking KNOW are faked.

This is just a little too egregious for my tastes, though.

Because do they really think that people don't read gossip blogs? If they didn't, they wouldn't have felt the need to hurry and show everyone the Super Secret Speidi Wedding Footage, because without Perez, we wouldn't have even known that existed, right?

Speaking of that footage, what the hell?

Isn't it weird that they showed us footage of Spencer and Heidi seemingly getting wasted on tequila shots, seemingly getting up to get drunkenly married in Mexico in the middle of the night, and seemingly waking up hungover and married the next morning--BUT THE WEDDING FOOTAGE ON SPENCER'S CAMCORDER SHOWED A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT STORY?

Because seriously, if you're going to get drunk!married in Mexico, who has time to buy a bridal gown? And matching (expensive-looking) rings? And flowers?

Oh, and while we're at it, WHY WAS THE WEDDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY?

Again, I'm okay with The Hills being fake. But this episode just didn't even try to maintain a grasp on the "reality" part of reality television. Everyone had fake smiles, like they knew they were trying to pull a fast one on us and it wasn't working. Heidi even looked into the camera in one moment, which no one ever does. It was like watching really bad live theatre.

And Heidi and Spencer are married. Which doesn't make matters any better.

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