Sunday, July 22, 2007

The X-Files: Bringing Back Baby

Long before Mae and I set our sights on Dr. John Carter and Matthew Fox, we followed a different Carter, a different Fox. The X-Files remains the pinnacle of high-concept television, five years after its series finale.

For years—perhaps even before the series ended—there have been rumblings of a second X-Files feature film. Rumors have come and go, a lawsuit between FOX and Chris Carter has been settled, but this week David Duchovny all-but-confirmed that development is underway; he even admitted he expects a script on his desk this week.

Mae and I are pretty jazzed.

Just last week, I was bad-mouthing Sex and the City for not quitting while ahead, and now I am just so jazzed about the possibility of seeing MY original ass-kickers, Dana Scully and Fox Mulder, back in action.

But before you get started, Mr. Carter, Chaos in General has a few small demands.

First of all, we don’t like what we’re hearing about the flick being a “Monster-of-the-Week” story instead of a continuation of the mythology. “Bite me with the monster plots,” Mae says. “I want my hunt for William.”

Yep, at the end of the day, we want William.

I’d prefer the movie to be called The X-Files: Fight the Really Stupid Mistake You Made in Season Nine. Mae and I both find this film to be an opportunity to get Baby William back. Rather than crying over the fact that she gave him up, like they did in the finale, we want to see them “kicking ass and taking names to get their kid back,” as Mae so eloquently puts it.

No crying, no cuddling, please. And no Mimi Rogers while you’re at it.

I go so far as to request no weddings.

(Caroline doesn’t want to see a wedding? Gasp!)

“I almost wonder if they won’t be kind of like the Order of the Phoenix,” I told Mae last night on IM, done with my day of Harry Potter-induced radio silence. “You know, there’s the really bad guys, the Voldemorts of the X-Files world, if you will, and then the government/ministry who isn’t being very helpful or good. And they are like these vigilante do-gooders. Sort of like Boondock Saints. Or Daredevil.”

“I prefer to think of them as Boondock Saints,” Mae says. “Merely so that I don’t have to picture Ben Affleck in a codpiece.”

After reminding my esteemed colleague that she must have mistook the Garfleck “action” movie for Shakespeare in Love, we got back to business.

What else do we want? Skinner, Ghost!Gunmen, and Gibson Praise, please. Perhaps a fourth X-Files role for Terry O’Quinn who plays Lost’s resident Man of Faith, Locke. (Figure out how to include the Man of Science himself, Matthew Fox, also known as Foxy #2, and I’ll be a very happy camper.)

Things we can live without? Doggett, Reyes, and any kind of shapeshifter.

We acknowledge that a mythology flick may be rather difficult, what with the cast of characters diminished quite seriously: Krycek, the Lone Gunmen, and the Cigarette Smoking Man all met their end in the last year of the show.

“The Cigarette Smoking Man is for reals dead,” says Mae. “I don’t think even I can suspend my disbelief on that anymore.”

“No, we pretty much saw the flesh burning off his face,” I said, and direct you here for proof. He is dead.

Whatevs. It’s not like that son of a bitch was going to be helpful in the search for William.

When it comes down to it, Mae and I are wholeheartedly in. We want to see our favorites—our first favorites—back in action. On the lam, redeemed by the military tribunal, or back at the bureau, we don’t care. So long as we’ve got Mulder, Scully, and William, we’ll be there.

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