Friday, February 9, 2007

I Try to Say Goodbye and I Choke: My Relationship with Spoilers

I am two distinct things: a slut for spoilers and a very busy girl.

This usually leads to the following:

9:01, I text-message my friend Deborah: Did you watch The Office? I have to know what happened.

9:02, no response. I call my sister at home to see if she watched it. She didn’t. “Well, could you look on the TiVo and tell me if Mom taped it? She did?! Will you watch the last three minutes and tell me what happened?”

Honestly, I have no idea why I need that information. It would probably make the episode more enjoyable if I didn’t know how it ended. (Neither of my friends came through for me tonight, and I had to sift through internet message boards while I waited for the episode to download.)

Then, I had the following AIM conversation with my friend, Clarissa, with whom I often watch Grey’s Anatomy:

CAROLINE: i didn't see!! what happened!!!!???
CLARISSA: oh you just have to watch
CLARISSA: i can't even tell you
CLARISSA: you just hvae to watch
CAROLINE: no please tell me
CAROLINE: i am such a whore for knowing
CAROLINE: pleasssee?????
CAROLINE: i can't
CLARISSA: otherwise it will sooooo ruin it
CAROLINE: it's not on youtube!!!!
CAROLINE: i don't caaaaaare
CLARISSA: let's just say i almost had a heart attack at the end
CAROLINE: why?????
CAROLINE: just tell me
CAROLINE: i don't care
CAROLINE: i want to know
CAROLINE: (ps i am going to blog about this)
CAROLINE: you suck
CLARISSA: i was like just thiiiiiiiinking of tellng you
CLARISSA: but now i won't
CAROLINE: go to hell
CAROLINE: you were not
CLARISSA: i like WANT to tell you
CLARISSA: but then when you watch
CLARISSA: it will ruin it
CLARISSA: pick up yo phone
CAROLINE: did you want to talk to me so you could apologize for being a nutcase?
CLARISSA: that and to tell you and lily what happened
CLARISSA: b/c it's too long to type

She called and told me.

Why do I do this to myself? BECAUSE I CAN’T HELP IT!

I have the utmost respect for people who refrain from reading spoilers, watching the promo clips on Yahoo, and, sometimes, for avoiding previews. Even my esteemed colleague Mae puts up away messages demanding that her friends keep their lips sealed about shows she’s waiting to watch. I simply cannot do it.

I am the person who sits on their computer and refreshes Michael Ausiello’s page at 12:00 midnight on Wednesday mornings. I check regularly, even though I know its updates usually don’t contain new information. Hell, I still read spoilers at, even though I haven't watched ER in three-and-a-half years. I analyze every promotional picture, every commercial, every comment made on late-night TV. "Stay tuned for scene's from next week's all-new..." is still my favorite part of the episode.

I think my compulsion probably has to do with the fact that I don’t watch fan videos or read fan fiction. I have been known to make the occasional desktop background, but that’s about it. I need something to fill all of my online time that I would otherwise be devoting to scouring YouTube or Maybe this new project here will allow me to stop obsessively hitting refresh on my favorite spoiler sites.

Maybe it’s because I’m an elitist sociopath who has to be constantly in-the-know. It was more than a little upsetting to me when my friend told me about Anna Nicole Smith’s death this afternoon. Not because I am worried about who gets custody of Sugar Pie the dog, but because I was actually a little miffed that it wasn’t me breaking the news to my friend.

Yeah, it’s pathetic, but there’s pretty much no end in sight.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to try and actually find Grey’s online.

No response to “I Try to Say Goodbye and I Choke: My Relationship with Spoilers”