Friday, February 9, 2007

THE O.C.: Sh-Sh-Shakin'

Sandy and Kirsten's baby will survive.

Seth will find his passion for life amidst all the chaos and rubble.

Ryan and Taylor will realize the amount of love they have for each other, moreso than what was said before the 'quake.

Kaitlin and Julie will be trapped but then saved by none other than Frank Atwood, giving Kaitlin an epiphany that he really is long-term daddy material.

The Cohen's will, in the end, move out of Newport Beach. Probably back to San Fransisco.

Seth and Summer will still go to Rhode Island, but they'll also get married first.

Unless of course the super-swanky and predictable "series finale wedding" ends up being Julie and Frank. Which would honestly kind of piss me off.

Nothing you just read was a spoiler. If you're a spoiler whore, you'd know that because you already know what the spoilers are. I don't spoil for this show. I'll tell you straight up, I only spoil for Grey's Anatomy and anyone who does that can scream from the rooftops that it's pretty much a worthless endeavor from which you learn absolutely nothing. So, more or less, I'm spoiler-free for every single show I love. But The O.C. is now officially 2 episodes from being over. Dead. Fin.

It's not exactly a complicated process to predict what's coming your way in a series finale. Just as Caroline made an entire list of general TV rules, there are also rules for TV series finales. As much as I bitch and moan about the Alias finale, it did actually follow most of the rules... sort of. But whatever; Josh Schwartz is not about to go against the rules. He may have let this show get a bit too cheesy for my liking recently, but he's never blatantly gone against the rules. This show has always been the easiest for me to predict. At the beginning of Season Three, my friend and I started speculating way ahead about what would happen once the gang all had to go to college.

We said that Ryan would go to Berkeley while Seth & Summer would be split up by two different coasts. We even called it that Summer would be the one to go through an end-of-high school crisis and decide she wanted to try and acheive more for herself; prove to herself and everyone around her that she wasn't some beach combing bimbo. I know you're all going to roll your eyes in disbelief (I would do the same thing, so go ahead. I'll give you a countdown. 4. 3. 2. 1...), but we actually predicted that Summer's choice of colleges would come down to either Princeton, Yale or Brown. BROWN. Before Seth even spoke a word about his own dreams for that school, we put it on our list. We're just that good. I, especially, am that good.

I am the eggman, afterall. Or maybe it's just that I'm the walrus. Coo-coo-ca-choo.

Eitherway, I win at life when it comes to predicting this show.

Last week when they previewed that there would be an earthquake, I predicted that it would leave the Cohen house in ruins. This would metaphorically and literally equal a new start and clean slate for everyone involved. I said back then that the Cohens would finally move back to Berkeley, since Sandy had mentioned it a few seasons ago in a passing comment and I never take passing comments like that at face value. And now they'll have the added bonus of Ryan being just down the street from them at all times! Trust me, it's gonna happen.

Here's the thing, though. Everyone made it very clear last night that their time remaining before going back to school was still a good 6 months away. And now there's been a massively destructive earthquake that's destroyed everything they've ever known with only 2 more episodes in which to wrap things up.

You can't really wrap things up in a pretty little "happily ever after" bow with death and destruction all around them. It just won't work. It's why Alias had to jump ahead a good 5 - 7 years in order to show us that things had worked out beautifully. And it's why I'm predicting that The O.C. will make use of the good 'ole time jump method as well. I can't imagine they'd jump ahead a few years - there's no need for that. But I can see them jumping ahead those last 6 months to show us life after the 'quake and how they're all rebuilding and moving on now. They did it after Marissa's death - we jumped a good three or four months after she died and got right down to the "life after the initial trauma" storyline. I liked that a lot better than having to sit through lots of melodramatic crying and her Ryan-less funeral. But that was probably just because I hated Marissa and was glad to see her go as well as glad to see that we wouldn't be focusing on her for much longer at all. SCORE.

This is how things will go down if Josh follows the well-known rules of a series finale.

Kirsten and Sandy will have a massive scare over the baby and it'll look like they might end up losing it. But they won't lose it. Ya know why? Because that would be tragic and terrible and not at all expected, therefore completely unacceptable to end a series. Everyone basically expected that the people who died on Alias' finale were going to bite the big one. That made it acceptable. Making two truly good and fan-adored people lose their unborn child is just against the rules. OKAY?

Their house will have been destroyed by the 'quake (as I assume everyone else's home will be, too, making for a pretty bad situation for Taylor and Ryan) and that gets rid of Kirsten's whole reasoning for staying in Newport. She wanted the kids to be able to come home for the holidays and reunite in that house where they all grew up. Well, the house is not going to exist anymore. No more excuses. They'll go back to Berkeley where people aren't shallow and crude and full of "OMG, I LIKE TOTALLY LOVE YOU, YOU HO-BAG!"

Gag me. I'd move, too. Very, very quickly.

Ryan and Taylor are likely trapped in the rubble of the Roberts' (Cooper's?) house, which will give them plenty of time to reflect on life and their newly-stated love for one another. I'm not entirely sure what this will mean for them aside from a generic "happily ever after," but I guess you can assume that by the time we see the 6-month jump they could theoretically be engaged. It's not really in Ryan's character to move through a relationship that quickly, but depending on what they go through post-quake it could end up being a possibility. I highly, HIGHLY doubt it... so don't go placing bets on that prediction or anything, but I'm going to go ahead and just throw it out there. They'll definitely, without any doubt, be going to Berkeley together and maybe even sharing an apartment instead of living on campus. Which would be a good "happily ever after" for them and would totally satisfy me. Ryan seems to be truly happy with her. And until he started dating her, I never really liked Ryan. He was always mopey and brooding and it got on my last effing nerve. With her, he laughs and makes jokes and he's fun to sit and watch. I've forgotten that Marissa ever existed. I never liked them together anyway.

Taylor and Ryan are the new and absolute OTP. I love them so much that my face hurts from all the smiling I do when I watch their scenes. It's sort of scary for me to admit this, but I've spent the better half of this season loving those two a lot more than I love Seth and Summer. And that's REALLY saying something, because Seth/Summer is one of my be-all, end-all OTPs. But Josh has cheesed them up a bit too much lately. And the ever-present Che didn't help me want to pay them much attention, since I found him to be so unbelievably obnoxious and cheese-worthy.

Nevertheless, Seth and Summer have spent a lot of this season discussing the ideas of being engaged and getting married. Summer's made it clear that she does want to marry him, but something is holding her back right now and she's just not ready. But now they've just gone through this traumatic and eye-opening experience together. He saved her life when he pulled her out of the car seconds before the streetlight crushed it. And he'll probably have a lot to do with saving/rescuing Ryan and Taylor because he and Summer know that they're both back at the house and they're the only ones un-trapped or un-hurt. Sandy's up and walking around just fine, but Kirsten's in a bad way so it's going to be up to Seth.

Summer... well, I really can't figure her out because of the whole GEORGE thing they've thrown into the pot. I can see her going off and doing that because she really does love it. But I can also see her deciding that life, family and love are too fragile and she can't leave it all behind after what happened. If she and Seth end up engaged, it'll be her that does the proposing. The ball is currently in her court and Seth wouldn't try it again so soon after the last rejection. These two have always been the built-in OTP and the series finale of any good show will bring you the wedding of your built-in OTP. Think back to 90210 and how that series finale was all about the "it's about damn time" wedding of David and Donna. I hated David and Donna, so I don't really have much else to say about that, but I do recognize that they were the show's built-in OTP and therefore it was to be expected. Still, David/Valerie all the way. Fight the power.

The X-Files didn't give us a wedding, but it also wasn't that kind of show. Nonetheless, it gave the audience what they'd been waiting nine years to see: Mulder and Scully deeply in love, together as an actual bonafide couple, running off into the sunset together. In terms of how Chris Carter operates, that was the closest equivalent to a "happily ever after" that we would have ever gotten out of him. And I was and am eternally grateful for it.

Then, of course, there was Alias with the "happily ever after" family walking off into their perfect beach sunset. I would have preferred a musical montage of their actual wedding, but what we got was still more than sufficient and again the equivalent of built-in OTP rules for series finales. That said, Seth and Summer don't have to necessarily get married in the end. But they do have to be engaged. I'm willing to let the whole idea of their finale wedding slide into my fantasy world though, since Schwartz has been pushing the Julie/Frank thing pretty hard and Kaitlin has made such an issue about wanting/needing a secure family. I can picture Schwartz re-doing the Julie wedding extravaganza all over again for the finale just like he did in the finale of Season One.

Which he very well may do. And I'll probably hate it because we've seen it before and I'm not entirely or even relatively attached to Julie's "happily ever after" aside from the fact that it'd be nice to know she got one. Just tell me she and Frank are engaged or whatever and I'll be satisfied. Leave the pretty dresses and bouquets for Summer. Maybe playing "wedding day" will help Adam and Rachel get back together! Now, there's a wish I'd like to see come true...

Oh yeah, and Sandy and Kirsten's baby will be a girl. If every rule I just laid out didn't really register with you, I would hope that you can concede to the one rule that never fails and is never broken: when adding on another child, the previous children will predict the sex of the newest. Sandy and Kirsten already have 2 boys. That's an automatic default to having a girl. Not to mention that it just solidifies the Kandy position as an everlasting OTP. If any couple has a child on-screen and that child is a girl, they're gauranteed to last forever. And since Alias and Isabelle Bristow Vaughn proved that I'm freakishly good at predicting baby names, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say they'll name her after either Kirsten's or Sandy's mother - I don't remember Kirsten's mom's name, but I can at least put a definite "Sophie" on the list. I'm leaning toward "Sophie Grace Cohen" right now. Nonetheless, it will be a girl. Caroline and I could (and surely will) post an entire blog on this topic at some point, but for now just trust me. It'll be a girl and girls = happily ever after.

If none of this actually happens, it's not going to be because I'm a sucky predictor. It's going to be because Josh Schwartz didn't follow the canon rules. And then I will be forced to write him lots of evil letters.

But at least I'll be able to focus on Grey's and nothing else every Thursday from now on.

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