Tuesday, February 6, 2007

Lost: Campfire S'mores

I like my ships the way I like a good s’more: toasty, fluffy, and always the same. If you make two characters obvious love interests in episode one, I will follow them for years (Ross and Rachel, anyone?).

I will go for the conventional hero ten times out of ten, and I will go for the obvious. This is why I do not watch Smallville or How I Met Your Mother. I would be setting myself up for eventual disappointment (clearly, Clark and Lana aren’t going to end up together, because I've totally seen Lois and Clark with Teri Hatcher, and the pilot of Mother ended with the revelation that future Ted and future Robin are in-laws, not husband and wife) and I’d rather not subject myself to that.

I felt like I was pretty much in the clear when I started watching Lost.

The pilot saw a nervous Kate Austen, a recent survivor of a plane crash, stitch up a fellow survivor’s wound with a sewing kit and using a mini bottle of vodka as antiseptic. That fellow survivor was Jack Shephard, and I thought for sure they were the de facto OTP of the series.

As a fan of J.J. Abrams’s work, I was expecting a Sydney/Vaughn scenario rather than subjecting me to Ben or Noel again. Is it funny that Jennifer Garner had Noel but she ended up with Ben?

Apparently, I was wrong. Because as Lost returns this week, it brings with it the most torturous love triangle I have experienced maybe ever. And I watch a lot of TV. The Jack/Kate/Sawyer triangle doesn’t just frustrate me; it really pisses me off, and not only because I was clearly led to ship Jate for at least the first six episodes.

Against my better judgment (and the lessons I learned from my high school health teacher, along with having affairs with students will probably get you fired), Kate had unprotected jungle sex with Sawyer. For weeks before this blessed event, the cast and producers were on talk shows touting Kate’s upcoming “decision.”

I’m sorry, but when you are trapped in a cage with one suitor, and the other is imprisoned down in the shark hatch far away from you, there’s no such thing as a decision. It’s not like Jack was in one cage, Sawyer was in the other, and Kate had to decide which to break into. Jack was not an option. Even when they did let her see him, she was on the other side of a glass wall. Kate might have been able to break out of the cage (and by break out, I mean get out of the bars that are wider than your body), but there’s no way she could have broken through glass.

And let’s face it, if I thought I was about to die a gruesome, muddy death at the hands of the Others, I’d probably start having sex with my co-captives, too. I mean, why not? If you’re going to die anyway, who cares if you get Chlamydia?

I would be such a terrible prisoner. I try to pretend I’d be Sydney Bristow in a situation like that, but really, I’d crawl into a corner of my cage and cry uncontrollably over my lack of TV and S’more Pop-Tarts until the Others put me out of my misery. You know the part in that episode of Lost where Ben shows Jack the footage of the World Series and that one tear wells up in Foxy’s eye? I would be weeping openly. You could show me QVC infomercials from 1985 and I’d be hysterical.

Warning: Spoilers and speculation follow.

I am slightly relieved to hear the following from Kristin Veitch of EOnline: “You see that Kate does have very strong feelings for Jack. And they are sorta kinda displayed in front of Sawyer.” And so, my prediction:

Kate and Sawyer make it back to camp while Jack is still being held captive. At this point, with the stunt Jack pulled, Kate has no idea what his status is. If anything, she assumes he’s been killed. And she’s pissed, because she wanted to use the “Live Together, Die Alone” strategy to get all three of them out of there, and nobody would let her. So she’s trying to come up with a plan to get Jack back, but nobody’s willing to risk their lives and confront the Others, let alone the fact that they don’t really have a sturdy boat or an artillery of any kind. And it seems to Kate that Sawyer, who just got some island cage sex, should be pretty much at her mercy, but he continues with his “Every Man for Himself” bullshit, even though his brains would be squished up in the mud outside of his cage if it hadn’t been for Jack’s coincidentally-perfect radio alert. (Of course, if you’re me, you think Jack has the worst timing ever and should have waited five more seconds.)

Kate realizes that Sawyer is selfish. (Duh.) The absence of island condoms makes casual sex a pretty shitty idea anyway; plus, sex pretty much equates death when it comes to the ladies of Lost (see: Rutherford, Shannon and Cortez, Ana-Lucia). You shouldn’t be having island sex until you’ve found the person you want to make island babies with. (More lessons from high school Health.) And honestly, Sawyer’s effin’ nasty. I’ve seen his flashbacks—the guy gets around. Don’t forget that Jack established Sawyer’s had VD at some point. And if you start to itch, I highly doubt you’ll find somebody who can give you a Pap smear on the island, and the one who probably could tell you how to treat genital warts is still in captivity on Island Number Two. Talk about awkward.

So there will be plotting. Sayid will get involved, since he might be able to figure out where the radio transmitted from or something. He will spout technobabble. Kate will try to get people to help her build a raft. Eventually, Jack makes radio contact, and Kate is overjoyed. Kate helps him plot an escape. And when he does finally make it back to camp, maybe they won’t just fall into each other’s arms, but there will definitely be a moment. That Sawyer will recognize. Thus begins the crumble of Skate and the construction of Jate.

I’m not saying it’s going to be an easy sixteen episodes to be a Jate fan.

I’m saying I still think it’s Sydney/Vaughn and not Felicity/Noel/Ben. I shall prevail!

J8 is F8.

(I just pushed F8 on my laptop to see what would happen, and it totally screwed up my highlighting. J8 is actually more like F1, which makes my computer monitor brighter.)

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