Gossip Girl: How to Succeed

Let’s be honest, I started watching Gossip Girl to see beautiful people swan around beautiful places in beautiful clothes getting with other beautiful people. This show did not have a lot to aspire to. Surprise! It vastly exceeded my expectations with its risqué banter, themes of loneliness and popularity, and the dark past of its characters. So, I cast aside my initial evaluation and prepared to enjoy. Surprise! It is now hammy and convoluted. Whether this is due to what many former O.C devotees refer to as the S3 spiral of hell or the much-feared college decline, things have gone badly wrong. So, me being an all-knowing TV goddess (ahem....) I have 5 rules for Josh Schwarz and Stephanie Savage to follow in order to make like Bart Bass and be a bad-ass billionaire successful mofo. *Please kill me now for the mangled, clichéd, and desperate analogy*

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1. Bring Back Original Recipe Blair



Stop exploiting Leighton’s versatility. Just because she has the ability to do comedy, does not mean she should be relegated to these ‘hahaha’ storylines. This whole desperate quest to become Queen of NYU is a) ridiculous as Blair already cast aside her mignons and the Colony Club saying she wasn’t dealing with High School anymore; b) stupid as it’s not funny watching Blair be left lonely after her ‘dastardly scheme’ fails, it’s actually sad.
This whole NYU storyline could have actually given us character development rather than regression. Seeing Blair really struggle with the loss of her identity and status could have been moving as well as interspersed with comedy. We could have seen Blair coping with living with Vanessa, who she sees as the representation of her polar opposite. Imagine how much more poignant the last scene between them where they realise how much they’ve lost and how alike they are would have been. If the writers are looking for drama, rather than using Blair’s schemes to divide her and Chuck and cause the seasonly rift with Serena, why not have her relapse with her bulimia? Chuck is devastated she can’t trust him and Serena is torn between telling her step-brother or keeping Blair’s loyalty. This would utilise Leighton’s dramatic acting ability, incorporate Chuck and relationship drama, be a real issue with Serena that tests their friendship/loyalty/trust, and get the whole cast involved – Cyrus and Eleanor worrying about her, Nate because of his previous history with Blair, and Dan and Vanessa realising Blair is not an evil witch but a real person with insecurities and problems.

2. Stop With The Guest Stars

We know they aren’t sticking around, so there is no point us getting involved in their storylines. Nate’s Romeo/Juliet romance has no credibility as we know Bree is disposable. Ditto Hilary Duff (sorry, I just can’t see her as Olivia, she’ll always be Hilary Duff/Lizzie Maguire to me) and Dan’s relationship. This point is particularly emphasised by Scott. FINE, I’ll concede at least he had a valid reason to be there, but otherwise really, really? They could have at least cast someone attractive and had him even slightly resemble Lily/Rufus. Seriously he looked like the love child of Pete Wentz and Rosario Dawson.
Not only do these guest stars serve almost no purpose but they eat up precious screentime. A few people may tune in to see Hilary Duff and Tyra Banks, but most loyal viewers tune in to see the regulars. They stop the main characters interacting with each other. Nate and Bree seemed to exist in a completely different TV show. People seem to be acting in little 2/3 person bubbles. Where are the scenes from S1 where the NJBC was out in force and sparked off with the Brooklynites? For example a memorable moment would be at the white brunch when Blair told Dan about Serena sleeping with Nate

3. Kill Off Jenny, Rufus, And Vanessa

I feel apathy at best, hatred at worst for these characters. Each one is in their own way completely redundant in Gossip Girl. Rufus/Lily is done. They are married. We do not need to see their pathetic conflicts and Rufus acting like a baby. Vanessa is a judgemental hypocrite. While she is useful as a sounding board for Dan, I feel that the sage advice could just as easily come from Eric, seeing as these two are apparently family though I don’t think they’ve said two words to each other. Use this Van-Hump-Der-Bass family to create original drama/conflict/relationships. Jenny is, like the guest stars, part of completely seperate world to the rest of the main cast. Constance is now OVER, please see Friday Night Lights for the graceful departure of a character - Smash and Jason Street. If Jenny does HAVE to be involved, please give her a bath and a burger. She looks like a crack whore.

4. Storylines With A Point

All that secret child drama for what? A 5 minute reunion where nothing is discussed and consists mainly of Lily reassuring Rufus of his love. Seriously, just watch it.
Carter/Bree WTF?! A family feud involving someone’s sister and an altar and a zzzzzzzz. No one cares nor has this had any real impact on the main characters. Useless, useless, useless.

5. Chuck/Blair White Hot Sex



One of the hottest couples, and yet at most we’ve seen a few kisses. Where are the scenes from last year with the smouldering tension, the partial nudity and heart-breaking emotion? Ok, maybe not heart-breaking (please no break-up/back together drama) but I want to see some passion. I wanted to see the rest of kinky waiter foreplay. I want to see the infamous red tights make a comeback. I want to see how they deal with sex within a committed relationship. And no, I'm not a pervert! Yes, I like the sweetness of Blair cuddling Chuck in bed and the fact that TPTB are trying to show us that they aren’t just about the sex, but I think that was effectively handled last season with the I Love You drama. Also, on that kinda point but not strictly related but what the fuck was that ‘I didn’t say I love you because I couldn’t trust you’ bullshit. Please writers, read your own damn script and watch your own damn show.

So, there you go Gossip Girl. A few hints and pointers from a disappointed viewer. Tell me your problems with the new season. Rant and rave. I like to think the TV Gods will hear our pleas!

The End Is Nigh: Blackout Disaster

Soooooooooooooo, I have been without my computer/internet/life for nearly a month now (seriously, I KNOW – there should be some sort of condolence card available for the loss of my extra limb) and having not been able to watch any TV – I live in the UK so have to download all the shows I watch – it got me to thinking: When is the worst possible time to cut-off a TV show?



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Friday Night Lights
Before we know whether or not they won/lost the State Championship. Seriously, this would have killed me...the anticipation, the anxiety, the trepidation, the downright desperate desire to know what happened would have given me a cardiac arrest. Would Coach Taylor live his dream? Would Matt Saracen finally prove his worth as QB1? Would I get to see Tim Riggins whip off his shirt in a fit of unbridled joy? Let me hear you say it CLEAR EYES, FULL HEARTS, CAN’T LOSE.



Gossip Girl
Right before the wedding of Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf. Now, this spot was under stiff competition from ‘Right before the unveiling of Gossip Girl’, but let’s be honest, we know GG is kick-ass (She’s Veronica Mars people, c’mon!) and while she/he/it is intriguing, Chuck and Blair are this antagonistic, conflicted, damaged relationship that in my little shippy heart want to see have the iconic ‘I dos.’ P.S. Sorry about the dodgy manip



One Tree Hill
Please just turn this off. Seriously. Now. I’m not joking. Right now.

Criminal Minds
The Hotch at gun-point by Foyet. Does he live? Does he die? Is he sliced up Boston Reaper style? How are Haley and Jack affected? Or does The Hotch take him down in a tense frenetic battle of the wills and skills?

House
Before we meet Dr. Gregory House. Because then we would never have met him and been introduced into his wonderful miserable, pain-addled, bizarre ‘everybody lies’ world.

Grey’s Anatomy
Before we hear Burke say his vows. *Pre-emptive duck* I know there are so many other moments to pick from – some dramatic, some romantic, some life or death, but in all my life, this has to be the most beautiful set of vows I have ever heard and to be deprived of hearing them would be a true loss.
"I could promise to hold you and to cherish you, I could promise to be there in sickness and in health, I could say till death do us part but I won't. Those vows are for optimistic couples, the ones full of hope and I do not stand here on my wedding day optimistic or full of hope. I am not optimistic I am not hopeful, I am sure. I am steady, and I know that I am a heart man. I take them apart and put them back together, I hold them in my hands. I am a heart man. So this I am sure, you are my partner my lover my very best friend. My heart, my heart beats for you and on this day. The day of our wedding I promise you this. I promise you to lay my heart in the palm of your hands. I promise you me. "

Smallville
Right before the final showdown between Clark Kent, Davis Bloome and Lex Luthor. Now I know what you’re thinking – Why not Superman? Why not Doomsday? Hasn’t Lex died???? OK, first of all, I’m not huge on comic books and due to legal complications, Smallville can’t actually ‘show’ Superman and in Smallville, we see through the eyes of Clark Kent, not Superman. Second, Doomsday can never be killed. Fact. So, the fight would be pretty one-sided. Plus, Sam Witwer is fiiiiiiinnnnnneeee, and I actually laughed out loud at the rubber man ‘DOOMSDAY’ suit, therefore Davis with just the red eyes to show his transformation. Thirdly, I want Michael Rosenbaum back! In my mind, Lex never died! It was all real!Lex’s clever doppelganger fiendish plan.
I want these guys to have a real, honest to god, big fireworks, blood dripping, humanity in peril, evil versus good, up-tempo rock anthem playing, FIGHT! And with their shirts off, did you say?? Yes, I’m in totally agreement! LET'S GET NEKKID! *Dribble dribble*




The Wire
Ever. Seriously, the greatest TV series that has ever ended. Oh, if it could have lived forever. However, it kind of does because it was so true to life, it was almost a documentary and to this day I imagine the lives of new Avons, Stringers, Omars, Marlos, Kimas, Rhondas on the streets and in the offices of Baltimore.

So, what about you? Your worst TV disasters? Has technology ever failed you at a critical moment?
Share with me – Misery Loves Company!

The Office: The Wedding Countdown Begins!

Watch this post--we'll keep updating it--for all the info from now on involving Jim and Pam's wedding. Last things first? We've got a lot to catch up on!

Updated 10/1: Here's a new promo showing Pam getting all giddy about cashing a check.



Previously posted info under the cut.

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First of all, here's a non-spoilery promo guaranteed to tug your heartstrings without spilling the beans:



Kristin's minions put a video up this evening of behind-the-scenes Jam wedding goodness:



There's also the small matter of THE COVER OF ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY, BITCHES!

The cover story of EW this week is about the wedding, and it's pretty spoilery. We learn that Jim gives a very touching speech at the rehearsal dinner, one that would be flawlessly romantic if it weren't for the fact that he apparently spills the beans about the baby about one day too soon. To make matters worse, looks like Michael is the one who tries to save Jim from total epic fail territory--but of course, this is only going to get The Most Awesome TV Groom Ever in even hotter water. Since we know one of the lines from his speech is, "People told me it was crazy to wait that long for a date with a girl I worked with, but I think even then, I knew I was waiting for my wife," I think we (and Pam!) will probably be willing to let him and his loose lips off the hook. There are also some pretty terrific behind-the-scenes videos of John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer at their EW photoshoot--you can watch those here.

We know the details now about their bridal attire, which you can read about here.

We also know that after the wedding, it's looking pretty likely that Michael's going to be hooking up with Pam's mom, so, y'know, cringe and wait for the "your baby will be my grandchild" jokes. (Yeah, if the old watchword was bastard--thanks, Angela!--then the new watchword is Grandpa.)

What's even more exciting is that, for Jim and Pam, the wedding is only the first in what's bound to be a season full of juicy Jam stories, as we anticipate the birth of their baby in February. (Oh, and PS, I'm reminding Mindy Kaling via Twitter just about every day that said baby has to be a girl. Join in on the harassment if you wish.)

Pilot News: Jabrams & Co. Getting Back in the Spy Biz!

As we celebrate the anniversary of Alias's first episode, it is fitting that word got out yesterday that J.J. Abrams, the man who thought, "Hey, let's do a show about a kickass spy," is currently developing a new hour-long series based around the concept of a married couple who spies together.

Described as lighter fare than his most famous projects offer, this series sounds a little like a brighter version of Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Couple of thoughts--

Jabrams's most enduring series have been those with heavy plots and a side of romance. People forget that he was also behind the short-lived Six Degrees and What About Brian, both of which were practically intolerable. This series is being billed as an "action-adventure-romance." And with the main characters already coupled up, I'm skeptical about the potential OTPness of the whole thing.

That said, with the right leads with the right kind of chemistry (could Nathan Fillion get out of Castle for this?) and really strong writing, this sounds like an interesting concept. And of course I'll give anything from Bad Robot the benefit of the doubt.

Lost & Sesame Street: Brought to You By the Numbers...

My Google Alerts went nutso yesterday when a press release went out stating that Matthew Fox will be a guest on this season of Sesame Street. There's really not much to say here, expect that it's going to be pretty freaking exciting. Though we hardly think that Sesame Street will tackle Lost's complex themes, many of which are geared toward audiences older than pre-schoolers, it's always interesting and amusing to see how the children's show simplifies the concepts of grown-up dramas for its young viewers. It probably goes straight over the kids' heads, but at least their parents--and the fangirls watching mid-morning PBS--will be entertained.

For instance, here's their recent parody of Mad Men, in which the titled is translated quite literally as the muppets explore different emotions, including mad:



"Good work, sycophants," also cracks me the hell up.

So what will Foxy's appearance include? Maybe he will literally be lost on Sesame Street, and it can be a lesson in what to do if you get separated from your mommy. Maybe he'll play doctor and show the kids how to put on Band-Aids.

Or maybe Big Bird will be conned by Oscar the Grouch to climb to the rooftop of Mr. Hooper's Store. (Oscar would do it himself but he can't leave the can.) And of course Big Bird will fall off the roof into a crumpled heap of feathers on the sidewalk of Sesame Street. Somehow, Oscar will get Big Bird to Jack, who will do his best to save Big Bird, even going so far as to transfuse him with his own blood. (The episode could be brought to you by the letter O Negative.) Just before Jack goes to amputate Big Bird's leg, Big Bird decides to let Doc off the hook. He dies, tragically; his dying words are, "Tell Snuffy..."

Unfortunately, Snuffleupagus is off having a sexy picnic with Sayid.

YEAH. I SAID IT.

Friends: Epic Musical Reunion!

On Tuesday, Courteney Cox and Lisa Kudrow were on hand at a charity concert to introduce Sheryl Crow. Unfortunately, Sheryl found she had a tough act to follow after an audience member shouted out "Smelly Cat!" Lisa indulged the audience and performed a few bars of her classic hit.



Love it!

Source: Just Jared

Alias: Happy Anniversary, Vaughns!

Eight years ago, Sydney Bristow became a double agent, with Michael Vaughn assigned as her handler. Thus began two epic relationships--theirs, and my relationship with Alias.

Damn, I feel old.